Review: Uberrime Spiro

My Spiro and Amo stealing a smooch!

After I reviewed the Amo, Marco of Uberrime offered me a choice of reviewing the Spiro or Vivo, the two other dildos in the series (‘laugh’ and ‘live’, respectively, where the Amo obviously represents ‘love’). After I finished falling off my desk chair in shock (me?? are you sure??), I asked for and received the Spiro in SheVibe’s lovely blue-and-green coloration. It’s very calming–the vibrant hues and gentle marbling remind me of some kind of alien beach, with green sand and the kind of blue water found on idyllic tropical seas. I’d be remiss not to mention that all my communication with Marco has been great, as well! He’s double-checked with me that I affiliate with a store that carries the Spiro, just to be sure I have a chance at being paid for my time. Way to make an entity feel valued!

Writing this review was a trainwreck. My opinion of the Spiro kept shifting, mostly because I lost my bottle of lube for nearly the entire testing period and had to make do without it. I learned a lesson: lube matters. Lube matters even if you produce natural lubricant, sometimes! The first draft of this review was about how the Spiro and I just don’t get along well. The second draft was about how the Spiro is, like my beloved Amo, a specialty tool, though for very different purposes. It turns out that no.

As it turns out, the Spiro is ‘for’ quite a lot. Compared to its cousin the Amo– a straight-shafted, flat-headed dildo engineered for the G-spot and ONLY the G-spot– the Spiro is, well, a weirdo. The shaft’s bulge that narrows halfway down, the head that looks like someone took a clay ball, started smashing it flat, and then gave up, the slight ridges…it’s not the most elegant design I’ve seen, even cast in smooth, squishy silicone. I actually quite like it! It’s a quirky little shape, and it fits into the rest of my toybox, which could charitably be described as eclectic (and less charitably as the result of many impulse decisions). Plus, that inelegant shape is surprisingly effective!

I’ve used the Spiro for a lot of different things. It’s a great dildo for decentering orgasm as ‘the goal’ of sex or masturbation, which is most of what I’ve used it for personally. The bulge in the middle lends itself well to sliding the toy slowly in and out, feeling your muscles contract and expand around it. It stimulates my entrance and walls, something most dildos in my collection don’t due to their targeted nature. Masturbation for me is generally a hurried affair, and I tend to judge dildos on their ability to get me off quickly and reliably– the Spiro has taught me that there’s a little more to it than that.

That being said, once I added lube and could move the Spiro more effectively, I discovered that it’s just as effective as the Amo at getting me to squirt. That squished-flat head strokes my g-spot, and combined with the sped-up sensation of that bulge sliding in and out, orgasm becomes a foregone conclusion. It stopped being ‘just’ a warmup toy and became a staple in my sessions. Its versatility surprised me! I was expecting its odd shape to be a specialty tool, just like the Amo, but as it turns out, it’s pretty good at just about anything, and it taught me a few things about how I like my dildos.

Pick the Spiro up at SheVibe for $58! Don’t have the money to spare right now? I have a Patreon where you can see reviews early and support me for as little as $1 per month!

Review: Touch by Swan Solo

I felt like a real life sex blogger when I saw the email from Betty’s Toy Box saying they were sending me the Solo. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to love it or hate it, so I compromised by spending a few days obsessively checking the mail and hovering in a perpetual state of anxious anticipation. When the package finally came, I grabbed it and practically ran upstairs with absolutely no explanation. I HAD TO KNOW.

Look at that flex! I used my Screaming O Vooom to show off how flexible the Touch Solo is.

The name of this vibe puzzled me for ages– why name it ‘Solo’ when it’s clearly a dual stimulator? Finally, when I took out the manual, I realized that the name refers to the number of ears on the clitoral stimulator, for some unholy reason known only to the marketing department. The Trio has three ‘ears’ that are meant to surround the clit, the Duo has two traditional rabbit ears, and the Solo has…zero, unless you count the insertable part’s end or the clitoral stimulator as an ear (absolutely not, if you ask me). The Solo’s body also differs in shape from the other two. It has a skinny upward curve (which is made of pure flexible silicone rather than having a hard core of plastic and electronics) that tapers down from the wider body of the toy (where the internal motor is). It’s a real weird shape, to the point where I dubbed it ‘the weird one’ in my toybox.

The box is a little doofy, but it’s a sturdy box with a nice storage bag, so I’m willing to ignore the Classy Cursive thing.

All right, as much as I rolled my eyes , this is a damn powerful vibrator. I’ve used it as a dual stimulator and as an external vibe, and it gets me off reliably and quickly. It’s replaced my Mona 2 in its position by my bedside. The ability to adjust the motors independently is incredibly useful as a dual vibrator– I can finally make the clitoral arm STRONGER THAN THE INTERNAL ARM, LIKE IT SHOULD BE. The shape isn’t especially G-spotty, but I don’t really thrust with this toy, even despite the flexible clitoral arm. I tend to just angle it so that the external arm hits my clit, lie back, and wait to orgasm. What can I say? I’m lazy. The vibrations are strong, rumbly, and travel well, even through the flexible silicone extension on the internal arm. It doesn’t hurt that it’s covered in soft, smooth, gorgeous teal silicone either. The color is darker than in the photos, but for once, I like the difference.

Because I lwanted to be as thorough as possible, I tested this against my Mona 2 and the Satisfyer Mr. Rabbit (it physically hurt to type that name). It is, hands down, better than the Mr. Rabbit. I have a deep and violent hatred for that toy. The motors in the Solo are independently adjustable, and they are both strong, rumbly, orgasm-inducing not-here-to-fuck-around perfection. The fucking Mr. Rabbit, on the other hand, has a clitoral motor that is so weak it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO FEEL with the power of the internal motor, which makes my vagina itch. And then you just have a useless protrusion blocking any hope of pleasure as it valiantly tries to overcome the actual motor present in the internal arm. With the (much more expensive) Solo, I can make the clitoral arm stronger and leave the internal motor either entirely off or on a low rumble. If you’ve got a clitoris, you probably need to stimulate it to get off, folks. Do yourself a favor and buy a vibrator that will give you orgasms instead of an urge to scratch your vagina. As far as the Mona 2, I still like the Mona better for internal stimulation and thrusting until I squirt, but I can’t really detect a significant difference between their motors. I guess my clitoris isn’t all that nuanced. The Solo does have more flexible silicone on the internal arm, so when I really want pressure, I’ll go to Mona or use the external arm of the Solo. I made a point of using the Mona after the Satisfyer, just to remind myself that yes, I do make good decisions sometimes.

The Solo isn’t perfect, mind you. Its biggest downfall is its namesake– the fucking touch controls. The touch-sensitive area is tiny. I tend to jack off in my bed, under a blanket, and I can’t find the little sensor with just my fingers. I find myself missing traditional clicky buttons with raised symbols as I kick my blanket off in frustration and swipe at the sensor. It occasionally doesn’t read my finger, and I have to try again– this is especially true when I try to adjust it with small, gradual motions rather than big swipes. Also, turning it on and off requires holding the single button down until it buzzes twice, and THEN swiping the sensor to turn on the motors. This got on my nerves a lot during comparative testing, where I kept switching between toys. And the charging situation (stabby pin jack that requires A LOT of pressure to stab with) is terrible. Give me magnets or give me death. On the bright side, it holds its charge well, and in all my time using it, I haven’t had to recharge it. Also, the cable is tagged with the Swan logo, making it stand out from my ten other USB charging cables. Those are all minor grumbles at best, though– in the end it gives me quick, reliable, lazy orgasms. Plus, it’s SEVENTY DOLLARS at SheVibe right now! Seventy dollars for a rechargeable, insertable vibe is honestly pretty awesome, and I’m happy that I can wholeheartedly recommend it. Especially if you don’t masturbate under a blanket.

Want your own? Betty’s Toy Box ($90) sent this to me for review, but it’s also available at SheVibe ($70) and Peepshow Toys ($85!)! Don’t have the money for a new vibe right now? I have a Patreon!

Review: Uberrime Amo

I’m spoiled. This dildo has spoiled me. It’s blown almost everything else out of the water. The Uberrime Amo is what I always finish with these days. I can’t sing its praises anywhere near enough.

I won the Amo in a giveaway, and I spent a while just admiring it when I opened it (yes, I know I always say that. Pretty aesthetic is kind of the door policy, all right?). I was sent the black and white coloration, and it’s…awesome. The heart-shaped head is entirely black, bleeding gradually into white, with a swirl of the two at the base. The sleek lines and color marbling are downright sexy. Also, there’s a sprinkling of beautiful dark red glitter present in the head! I didn’t expect that, but it’s a pretty cool extra.

Okay, it’s a beautiful, elegant shape and coloration. BUT it also feels fantastic. The heart pops a bit going in– that sounds more extreme than it is. The flexibility of the silicone helps get it through,, and then it hooks behind the pubic bone and stays there, freeing me from the “oh god I got overexcited and it went flying out” inevitability. Once it’s there, all I have to do is thrust. The smooth shaft glides easily (especially with a little lube), and the flat head strokes my G-spot effortlessly. Compared to the Goddess, the Alraune, or even my Mona, it feels unfairly easy. Just insert, thrust, and squirt. This is also the toy that makes me squirt most reliably– it’s kind of a problem. My family’s going to get suspicious about how often I wash my sheets if this keeps up. But I can’t really complain about it, all things considered. What am I supposed to say? “The Amo gives me TOO MUCH pleasure, dial it back, please”??

Nah. It’s gorgeous, effortless, and definitely my current favorite dildo. Definitely take one home for yourself if you’re at all into g-spot stimulation!

Enjoy my writing? Pick up your Amo using my affiliate links to Shevibe ($58) or Peepshow Toys ($60)! Short on cash? I have a Patreon too!

Finding My Place

I see stories all around me of sex bloggers who got their start with an electric toothbrush, the water in the bathtub faucet, a Sharpie over their underwear, when they were teenagers, and I feel like a sore thumb, sticking out from sheer inexperience and naivete.

I didn’t even have a sex drive until I was nineteen.

As a teen, sex felt vaguely gross and repulsive, and I identified as asexual for years. I avoided looking at porn, and for a while at Homestuck’s peak, I had every conceivable variant on “tentabulge” blacklisted. I didn’t even like regular dicks, let alone squirmy tentacles. I got through high school just fine not caring about sex, and with the vague idea that if I dated someone, their gender wouldn’t particularly matter to me, as long as they didn’t want to fuck me.

Fast forward to summer session of freshman year of college. Nineteen years old, taking two accelerated courses, constantly tired and surviving on granola bars. I’d fallen in love with a fanfiction series with easily-skippable smut, and was re-reading it on my phone. Inevitably, of course, I caught the end of some of the scenes, and found myself fascinated by them in a way I hadn’t been before. The rest is history. I realized I was bisexual, and for lack of education, went to Spencer’s and bought a crappy, ugly-purple vibrator that was AT LEAST body-safe. It gave me my first several orgasms, but I’ve since lost it and happily upgraded.

I just tried to write an April Fool’s Day blog post about that first vibrator, and realized I couldn’t. I’ve never been the awkwardly hormonal teenager, or the poorly-educated woman buying a jelly dildo. I don’t have that experience to pull from, and everything I write sounds derivative at best.

Two years later, and I’m still learning things about myself. I can’t orgasm easily (sometimes at all) during partnered sex– I get nervous about performing and weirdly shy. I enjoy a lot of pressure on my clit when masturbating. I will stick a blue plant tentacle in my vagina before I go for a realistic dildo. And, as I learned a week ago– I can squirt, as long as I make sure to have at least one clitoral orgasm first.

Two years! And now here I am, reviewing toys, starting a blog, and even though I feel a bit out of place, I don’t think I could have picked a more welcoming community to join. I’m going to fight through this feeling, because it’s worth it. Impostor syndrome won’t get me this time. I’m going on an adventure to fuck the weirdest things I can possibly manage, and my anxiety can just deal with it.

Review: Tantus Goddess

The Tantus Goddess after a bath to get rid of all the cat hair it collects.

The Tantus Goddess was my third-ever dildo. After my disappointing experience with the Fun Factory Amor, I bought the Cush O2 on sale, only to discover that my eyes were MUCH bigger than my vagina. Even the squishy dual-density silicone led to pain at attempted insertion (though I have inserted it ONCE, and it felt great). Frustrated with myself, I went back to the Tantus site, determined to find a smaller dildo. I was drawn to the gentle waves and beautiful iridescent purples on the Goddess, and (after checking the diameter and finding it a hopefully-reasonable 1.55 inches) slam-dunked it into my cart.

Continue reading “Review: Tantus Goddess”

Review: Fun Factory Amor

My first ever review, featuring my first dildo! It felt appropriate.

The Fun Factory Amor is black, stubby, and comes with a suction cup, in case you’ve ever wanted to use a dildo as a coat hook on your wall (I have absolutely done this). It bends and squishes when you squeeze it. It’s a beautiful, attractive black (it also comes in a rosy sort of light pink) that lets me see all the cat hair that accumulates on it. It’s made of silicone and therefore body-safe. The curve and blunt head are elegant and minimalist: while you certainly couldn’t leave it out and claim it was ‘art’, it’s clear that thought was put into its shape. It’s relatively small and manageable at 1.4″ diameter and 5″ insertable.

All of these words sounded like a perfect first-ever dildo to a college student with no experience and a little spending money. I watched my email obsessively for tracking and shipping updates, and I was thrilled when it finally came. That made it all the more disappointing when I realized that the silicone was draggy, scrapey, and entirely not worth the effort it takes to make masturbating even a slightly pleasurable experience.

Seriously, I smear lube onto this thing, already warmed up and aroused with a nice vibrator on my clit, and I can still barely get it into me, let alone move it. It’s something to clench around, but that’s the highest bar it clears. I generally just shove it in after lubing it up, leave it there, and let it fill me up (and then leave it in entirely too long because I dread taking it out). On the positive side, it’s squishy and vaguely pleasant to clench around as long as I do not, under any circumstances, try to thrust it. At that point it’s just distracting.

If the Amor were cast in a different finish (I’ve heard tell of glorious glossy finishes on dildos and really want to get my hands on one), it would be my favorite dildo. Unfortunately, it isn’t, and that ruins any hope the shape had for me. I don’t want to apply a boatload of lube to one dildo just to make it move without ruining my masturbation session. “Technically there” isn’t enough for me to recommend this dildo, unless for some reason you have always wondered what it’s like to fuck yourself with very, very lightly textured sandpaper.

If for some reason you want to try this dildo, it’s available in black or pink at Shevibe.

I Am So Extremely New To This

My name is Timid, and I want to review sex toys. Hopefully in a way that will be useful to people reading this blog. I swear I’m not completely new to writing–if nothing else, reading my reviews shouldn’t give the English majors out there a headache. I’m familiar with the basics of how to describe sensations, and to be honest, I already think about sex toy pros and cons while masturbating. My brain doesn’t know how to shut up, so I may as well channel that into a productive hobby!

In lieu of an actual introduction page (it’s on my very long ‘figure out how to wordpress’ to-do list): I’m college-age, bisexual, and entirely too kinky for my own good. I’m proud to say I’ve never stuck anything made of jelly inside me, though my first sex toy was a buzzy cheap vibrator from Spencer’s. At least it was plastic. (It was also the worst noncommittal “not pink but not purple” color I’ve ever seen, and I’m very glad I lost it when I moved out of my dorm.)

This site is still under construction while I get set up and wrangle WordPress into cooperation! Thanks for your patience, and I hope to make this blog a good resource for those looking into sex toys.